AppId is over the quota AppId is over the quota In previous posts, I’ve shared insights on Dental Fear & Anxiety, Dental Avoiders, and Dental Pain Exploiters. These all relate to the topic of Reasons People Hate Dentists. Drama Queens love to share all of their personal drama
Now I’m going to flip things around and reveal the bane of a dentist’s existence – Dental Drama.
Before I can tackle that, I’ll first explain more about Personal Drama, the Expressive Profile and Toxic Drama.
Personal drama is about taking how you feel inside, and revealing that to others around you. You feel fantastic and everybody knows it. You feel upset and everyone gets the message loud and clear.
Maybe you’re more reserved and not into drama. On the other hand, maybe drama is your thing.
Whatever the case, let’s explore what Personal Drama is all about…
Feeling itReflective PauseExpressing itOwning Your EmotionsDeveloping emotional maturity entails mastering each of these 4 steps. Weakness in any one step can easily become your undoing in your relationships and career.
Emotions can motivate you and help guide decisions, but they need to be tamed to be useful.
I’m still figuring out this stuff. Growing up with Spock as my role model didn’t exactly provide me with a deep emotional repertoire to draw upon.
I only made the breakthrough after reading Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goleman. That’s where I realized that emotions could be extremely useful IF they can be mastered and channeled properly.
That’s a big IF.
Emotions can motivate you and help guide decisions, but they need to be tamed to be useful.
These 4 steps are self-explanatory, so what I’ll focus upon are the huge pitfalls at steps 2 and 4.
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A common problem everywhere you look these days is a glaring lack of Reflective Pause on emotions. That’s the step where your emotions are filtered and your reactions tempered.
The Rage Threshold seems to be disturbingly low.
A common mistake is to misinterpret emotions as “truth” instead of seeing them for what they really are – Action Signals that may or may not be helpful.
Without that Reflective Pause, your emotions would come rushing through you like a runaway freight train. When that happens, civility would be a casualty as you would literally crash into other people… much like that Oscar-winning movie Crash.
I loved that movie. It was more about cultural and racial conflicts, but the idea of emotionally-charged people crashing into each other certainly applies here.
We all have our worst moments.
Lately I see a lot more of those moments in people. The Rage Threshold seems to be disturbingly low.
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Negative emotions are powerful and can easily dominate your attitude if they’re allowed to grow unchecked. Don't allow negative emotions to dominate
Suppressing your negative emotions is essential to have any hope of a productive life.
Without tempering, negative emotional outbursts would be practically reflex and your emotions would begin controlling your everyday life. People would steer clear of you to avoid the toxic fallout of your outbursts.
Without the emotional control provided by that Reflective Pause, you would behave like a sailboat without a keel – constantly being tossed about by every little breeze that comes your way. Without the calming affect of emotional stability, others could easily interpret your behavior as hostile or antagonistic.
The other pitfall to developing emotional maturity is in Owning Your Emotions. I’ll get more into that later with the topic of Toxic Drama.
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Does your life sometimes read like tabloid headlines? Those days where you experience moments of intense highs and lows?
How is it some people seem to attract far more drama than others? Each day becomes a string of dramatic adventures.
It comes down to your inclination to emphasize and express Personal Drama.
Some people diminish the drama, and some people emphasize it.
For those that emphasize, you can call that “wearing your heart on your sleeve.” Some would describe it as being a “Drama Queen.”
Whatever you want to call it, there’s plenty of theatrics going around these days. It seems we live in the Age of Personal Drama.
Disney has tapped into this trend with a slew of shows centered upon early-teens dramatizing on and on about relationships and everyday living. Young children can’t get enough of it.
Sharing Personal Drama online has become all the rage of late. You can chronicle your personal life on Facebook, share intimate details of your moment-to-moment activities on Twitter, and rant about the service at a local restaurant on Yelp.
No more living in quite indignation. Everyone gets to carry their virtual protest sign and vent their frustrations to anyone who’ll listen.
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Do you know anyone you would label a Drama Queen?
There’s actually a medical term for this called Histrionic Personality Disorder. People with this disorder show a pattern of excessive emotional display and attention-seeking behavior.
According to Wikipedia’s definition, “Associated features may include egocentric tendencies, self-indulgence, continuous longing for appreciation, feelings that are easily hurt, and persistent manipulative behavior to achieve their own needs.”
A child throwing a tantrum is an obvious example of this behavior. Lots of children go through that stage and grow out of it as they mature.
What about adult tantrums? I’ll get more into that in Drama Queen Part II.
Stay healthy and keep smiling!
Dr. Joe
About the Author: Dr. Joe Bulger is a West Toronto dentist. He’s also the owner-founder of Royal York Dental – a respected dental clinic serving Etobicoke since 1950.
If you would like to learn more about your dental options, fill out our contact form or CALL 416 231-0550 for a FREE & Easy No-Obligation First Visit.
AppId is over the quota AppId is over the quota Ever hear of the Scorpion and the Frog? Beware of Scorpions! Drawing by Carolyn Bulger
A scorpion and a frog meet on the bank of a stream and the scorpion, in a charming manner, asks the frog to carry him across on its back.
The frog is familiar with the scorpion’s dubious reputation and replies, “But you’re a scorpion. How do I know you won’t sting me?”
The scorpion answers, “Well my good frog, I can’t swim. If I was foolish enough to sting you, I would surely drown.”
Satisfied with that answer, the kindly frog allows the scorpion to climb on his back. They set out across the stream.
In midstream, the scorpion cannot resist temptation and stings the frog.
The frog quickly feels the onset of paralysis and starts to sink. Knowing they both will drown, the frog gasps “Why?”
The scorpion snarls back, “Stupid frog. I’m a scorpion. It’s in my nature… “
There are different versions of this story. There’s one where the scorpion adds with an evil smile “By the way frog… I CAN swim.”
The point of that story is some people have a toxic nature and are very capable of hostile or self-destructive behavior.
Beware of scorpions.
In Drama Queen Parts I and II, I’ve covered Personal Drama and the Expressive Profile. Now I’ll reveal the extreme version of dramatic behavior…
Imagine stopping you car at a light. The light changes but you were momentarily distracted. Toxic drama is potentially harmful.
The person behind you leans hard on their horn and then lets loose with a barrage of obscenities as they change lanes and roar past you.
What just happened? How could anyone flip a switch and display such extreme road-rage? Such Toxic Drama?
Being inside a vehicle has something to do with it. People feel a sense of invulnerability, power and control while driving. Also, our roadways represent an Arena of Performance where people are already more intense and edgy. People have their “game-face” on whenever they’re driving. All that leads to Road Rage.
Road-rage or not, why do some people act like they’ve just been handed a free ticket to be toxic?
It’s about breaking unwritten rules. When you get hit with a blast of toxic venom, in the other person’s mind you’ve broken some sort of rule and now they believe they’re allowed to attack you without mercy. Your perceived indiscretion is punished with a venomous outburst or even physical assault.
It’s disturbing that some people still abide by the ancient philosophy of revenge – “An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth.”
The medical term for this is Intermittent Explosive Disorder (IED) and according to Wikipedia’s definition is characterized by “extreme expressions of anger, often to the point of uncontrollable rage, that are disproportionate to the situation at hand.”
Such a toxic response is often drastically more severe than the instigating event. Along the lines of, “You accidentally stepped on my toe, and now I’m going to gouge out your eye!”
I’m exaggerating, but you get my point.
It’s disturbing that some people still abide by the ancient philosophy of revenge – “An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth.”
Couple that revenge philosophy with a tendency to disconnect from emotional responsibility, and you’ve got a powder keg ready to blow.
By the way, 2 sets of rules exist for these people. The easy, flexible rules they set for themselves and the harsh, firm rules they hold everyone else to.
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Here are the 3 easy steps to Toxic Drama:The Insult.The Upset.The Drama.
The Insult may be something interpreted as a personal attack, or it may just be someone breaking their perceived rules of conduct as in the case of not noticing that green light.
Forget about the calm eye, these people are the storm.
Are you easily insulted? People who grow up amidst violence tend to see the world as violent and flee or fight back at the drop of a hat.
The Upset is the reaction to the insult. This is where your inclination to emphasize and express Personal Drama comes into play.
It’s been said that you can measure the size of a person by what it takes to make them upset. It takes a lot to provoke some people. They can remain the calm eye at the center of the storm.
Then there’s those who are very sensitive and emotionally volatile. It might take very little provocation to get them upset. Forget about the calm eye, these people are the storm.
There are huge differences form culture to culture. Some cultures are serious and stoic, others are seen as passionate and volatile.
Toxic people may seem friendly enough, but like scorpions, it’s in their nature to attack.
The Drama Step is “payback time” where theatrics are displayed, revenge is given, and punishment is delivered.
People inclined to toxic rage will make the jump from the Insult step to the Drama in a heartbeat. There’s no pause for reflection. They’re combat-veterans and if provoked, they’ll pull out their claws and rip you to shreds.
Toxic people may seem friendly enough, but like scorpions, it’s in their nature to attack.
Alcohol has been known to set off toxic drama. People lose their inhibitions and self-control.
Passive-Aggressive behavior can also lead to episodes of rage. Passive people can usually take a lot, but once they finally blow their top, their emotions overwhelm them and the drama can be extreme.
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Many who engage in Toxic Drama act out of Righteous Indignation. They act like they’ve been given the right to express outrage or strike an offender down with complete impunity. They feel completely justified in their outburst or in harshly punishing the targeted offender.
This can be a dangerous viewpoint, especially when collectively shared. It only takes two people in righteous agreement to create a mob mentality. Once that mentality takes hold, there’s a collective madness that ensues – a crowd hysteria that can lead to uncharacteristically violent behavior.
Last Canada Day weekend, I was at the Toronto Ribfest doing my annual volunteer work of serving beer for our Rotary Club. It was Friday night, some time past 10, and we were closing up after serving the last round. Two guys showed up late wanting some beer. They had driven from some distance to get there.
They were told “No” and to come back again the next day. They were disappointed and tried persuading us to serve them. After repeatedly hearing “No” they changed tactics. These two didn’t like the manner in which they were told and worked themselves up into a collective frenzy. Each one feeding off the others indignation over the situation. A clear case of “Bar Rage” except these two hadn’t even had anything to drink.
Some people, believing they hold the righteous side, will act swiftly and viciously.
Fortunately there was no violence, only a brief verbal barrage. I probably wouldn’t have taken much notice of them, accept I happened to have started writing this at the time.
In a mob, there can be rapid escalation of collective indignation as fuel is rapidly added to the fire. Anger feeds on anger. There’s also a sense of raw power within a mob that reduces vulnerability and inhibitions.
It’s easy to get caught up in the excitement of the mob and feel that rush of power. People in mobs stop making personal choices about their actions and behavior. They’ll start following the loudest, angriest voice in the crowd.
Such mob mentality has led to horrific crimes and genocidal acts.
Once people believe they hold the righteous side, they’ll tend to act swiftly and viciously. If their target counter-attacks with equal ferocity, now you’ve got a war and things can turn ugly in a hurry.
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How can anyone justify toxic behaviour?
Justifying Toxic Drama requires something called Emotional Transference. That’s where your upsets and actions are perceived as entirely the responsibility of someone else.
Drama is a choice, and you own that choice.
Case in point – Mel Gibson with that recorded phone call to his ex-girlfriend. He went into a toxic rage over her breast implants and how she dressed provocatively. His ability to blame his rage on her was astounding.
It’s all part of the Blame Game people play. As in “My anger is all your fault.” Once you can deny responsibility for your outbursts, you’re free to indulge in intoxicating rage.
You’ve granted yourself a free ticket to be toxic.
Remember those 4 Steps of Emotional Response that I covered back in Drama Queen Part I? The last step - Owning Your Emotions – is completely ignored when someone engages in Toxic Drama.
Drama is a choice, and you own that choice. Once you finally realize you OWN your upsets, you forfeit the perceived right to make those mouth-frothing rants and acts of Toxic Drama. You also forfeit the right to be swept up in a mob.
Do you know anyone that displays extreme volatility, engages in Emotional Transference and has a tendency to indulge in Toxic Drama?
Beware of these scorpions.
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There you have it, Toxic Drama, Righteous Indignation, and Emotional Transference.
In previous posts you’ve learned about Personal Drama, the Expressive Personality Profile. Now you know about Toxic Drama.
Why do I drag all this drama stuff up? Drama is very relevant to the dental world. Recognizing and diffusing drama are vital skills for a dentist. Building a winning team involves getting everyone past the Drama Habit. Building a terrific customer experience involves helping patients avoid drama and get past their old stories.
Next post I’ll delve into the fantasy realm of the Drama Triangle. A place where evil ogres terrorize poor helpless damsels and battle heroic knights.
Stay healthy and keep smiling!
Dr. Joe
About the Author: Dr. Joe Bulger is a West Toronto dentist. He’s also the owner-founder of Royal York Dental – a respected dental clinic serving Etobicoke since 1950.
If you would like to learn more about your dental options, fill out our contact form or CALL 416 231-0550 for a FREE & Easy No-Obligation First Visit.
AppId is over the quota AppId is over the quota In Drama Queen Part I you learned about Personal Drama. Now discover how the Expressive Profile is wired for drama and uses it for manipulation. The Expressive Profile emphasize theatrics and drama.
When’s the last time something has really upset you? Three month ago? Three hours ago?
Here’s the thing. Though all of us experience moments of emotional upset, how we outwardly express emotion can be very different. Some people are easily upset, and some are into lots of Personal Drama.
Your Personality is one of the biggest factors in your tendency to express Personal Drama. You might have a reserved nature and display very little emotion. On the other hand, maybe you tend to be very effusive and expressive with your emotions.
Before elaborating on the Expressive Profile, let me explain a little background on different Profile Systems…
There are many Personality Profile Systems available out there – Myers-Briggs, DISC, True Colors, Keirsey, Hartman, etc. These Profile Systems all helpful in understanding the nature of people and appreciating the diversity of strengths people have.
People reveal themselves in how they interact with others. Even voice patterns are a dead giveaway.
Many are based on a four-quadrant model similar to the Four Temperaments Model that Hippocrates developed around 400BC. His ancient profiles are strikingly similar, even though he took the odd approach of basing profile names on body fluids.
I’ve used a number of the Profile Systems. I appreciate the detail of the Keirsey Temperament Sorter, but for on-the-fly simplicity I prefer the Social Style Model. It’s simple, useful and easy to implement. The more widely used DISC Profile is nearly identical.
It’s very easy to read people using the Social Style Model. As soon as their guard is down, people reveal themselves in how they interact with others. Even voice patterns are a dead giveaway.
The Social Style Model is based on two simple questions:
Are you more of a talker or a listener by nature?Are you more emotional or less emotional in nature?
That sets up a grid with 4 distinct personality profiles – Amiable, Analytical, Expressive and Driven.
The colorful peacock represents the Expressive Profile
My natural style? Analytical. I’m constantly seeking answers to questions, especially those that begin with WHY?
An Amiable person asks HOW? as in “How can I help maintain peace and harmony?” An Analytical person asks WHY? as in “Why is this relevant and worth exploring?”An Expressive asks WHO? as in “Who do I want to talk to and spend more time with?”A Driven asks WHAT? as in “What do I need to do here to win?”
Your natural style? Chances are you’re an Analytical if you’ve managed to read this far. Other styles don’t usually bother with all the boring facts and details. Unless they had a specific reason to read more, they won’t. Analyticals on the other hand, have an insatiable appetite for knowledge and insight.
Expressives? They’re too busy expressing themselves on Facebook, Twitter and their ever-present cellphone to stop and listen to anyone else’s take on things.
You can also use birds to describe these 4 styles – Dove, Owl, Peacock and Eagle. Many find it easier to relate to the symbolism of birds as opposed to words alone.
One of these four – the Expressive Profile (peacock)- represents people that are very effusive with their emotional display. These are the ones that project more Personal Drama and routinely act out in a drama-queen fashion.
I’m not here to pick on the Expressive Profile. Any of these 4 personality styles can be overdone to a fault. Any one style has glaring weaknesses that can be easily compensated by a more balanced approach. Most people maintain some balance, though one natural style will still dominate their personality.
Much of what I’m about to describe is the extreme version of an Expressive Personality. People rarely display such full extremes. For one thing, it wouldn’t be socially acceptable to do so.
Here’s a secret… People are used to acting in certain socially-acceptable ways. The trick is to catch them when their guard is down. Just add stress, liquor, power or wealth in any combination and you’ll see more of a person’s true nature.
Are you one of those life-of-the-party types?
To an extreme, an Expressive can be a vain, self-centered Drama Queen with a theatrical, volatile nature.
Expressive people are social butterflies. They’re talkative, energetic, inspirational and fun to be around. They love a good party and are just getting warmed up when everyone else is exhausted.
Their strength is their passion, enthusiasm and ability to influence. They’re born to perform to an audience.
Weaknesses? As is often the case, their weakness is their strength overdone. Their social nature makes it difficult for them to stay on task. “Life is a party” is the motto they live by.
They thrive at social gatherings as opposed to confined work environments. Big on enthusiasm but not as strong on precision or competence, an Expressive tends to be chaotic and may try to fudge their way through things. An Expressive will enthusiastically take on new roles and challenges only to find themselves way over their heads. They tend to get easily sidetracked with their ability to turn any situation into a gabfest or party.
To an extreme, an Expressive can be a vain, self-centered Drama Queen with a theatrical, volatile nature. They can become very indulgent and self-absorbed in their emotions. You’ll see them up one minute and way down in the dumps the next.
Once an Expressive Profile gets into a negative spin, he or she can be overwhelmed by negativity and susceptible to dramatic outbursts.
Notice how I added three exclamation points to the sub-head? That’s how an Expressive Personality naturally communicates! Every sentence ends with an exclamation!
Guess What? I’ve got a fever, and the only prescription is more BOLD! (taken from “More cowbell” – a popular SNL skit)
MAYBE I”LL EVEN JUMP TO ALL CAPS! (I’ve seen entire pages written in caps)
It quickly becomes excessive if you know what I mean.
The Expressive Profile is into Personal Drama in a big way. These people crave attention and are wired for drama. Emotional display is often over the top and their moment-to-moment mood is obvious to everyone around them.
Calm and cool is boring to them. When they can’t find any excitement they’ll create some.
Expressive people have a tendency to talk loud and fast. Difficult to get a word in once they’re on a roll. They’re not eager to relinquish their hold of the talking stick in any conversation.
An Expressive will talk for the sake of talking, as opposed to only speaking up to make a specific point. Call them a chatterbox if you like. They have a tendency to think out loud and enjoy telling those rambling, shaggy-dog monologues that wander off along various story-lines.
The Expressive Profile is attracted to action and drama. Calm and cool is boring to them. When they can’t find any excitement they’ll create some. Like a fisherman’s tale, they tend to amplify and exaggerate with their stories. The highs are higher and the lows are lower. Whatever it takes to get and hold precious attention.
If their emotional indulgences and self-absorbed tendencies are left unchecked, an Expressive will evolve into a Drama Queen. Increasingly narcissistic, poor listening skills, relentless attention-seeker and more impulsive in nature. They’ll develop a hair-trigger emotional response, particularly with rage.
Do you know anyone who fits the Expressive Profile? Do they have their Drama Queen moments?
Wasn’t that a hilarious video?
Drama Manipulators take full advantage of that. They have no reservations about being loud and demanding in public.
Having helped raised 5 children I can relate to that cute little toddler’s manipulative ways. I can tell you from personal experience, the tricks get much less cute as they get older.
Back in Drama Queen Part I, I mentioned Histrionic Personality Disorder and gave the example of a child throwing a tantrum.
What about adults? How do they use drama for manipulation?
Adults tend to make dramatic displays with more finesse than just falling to the ground kicking and screaming like a child would. Their intention is basically the same – to manipulate an outcome in their favor using drama.
Some Expressive know they can get exactly what they want with Drama Manipulation. They know they can easily get others to back down to their theatrical outrage. You see, most people have low confrontation tolerance and hate feeling publicly embarrassed. They’ll naturally try to avoid or appease anyone making a big scene.
Drama Manipulators take full advantage of that. They seek to dominate others with drama. They’re selfish bullies.
It’s easy to just give in to Drama Manipulation. The problem with doing that is that you’ve now empowered them. They OWN you and will bully you all the more.
Have you ever met a full-blown Drama Manipulator? I worked with one for many years. She dominated the work place and had everyone ducking for cover to avoid her wrath.
I just recently heard a profanity-filled recording of Mel Gibson raging on his girlfriend. A clear case of Toxic Drama. I’ll get more into that in my next post.
Drama Manipulators have no reservations about being loud and demanding in public. They thrive at being the center of attention and believe in the philosophy “The squeaky wheel gets the grease.” They know how to play the crowd.
They fully expect others to back down and give in, and they’re often rewarded for their efforts. Theatrics for profit and gain.
Ultimately, people don’t appreciate such Drama Manipulation, and that’s one reason why those with an extreme Expressive Profile have trouble maintaining deep friendships.
Now that you’ve learned about Personal Drama and the Expressive Personality Profile, you’ll be exposed to Toxic Drama in Drama Queen Part III.
Stay healthy and keep smiling!
Dr. Joe
About the Author: Dr. Joe Bulger is a West Toronto dentist. He’s also the owner-founder of Royal York Dental – a respected dental clinic serving Etobicoke since 1950.
If you would like to learn more about your dental options, fill out our contact form or CALL 416 231-0550 for a FREE & Easy No-Obligation First Visit.
AppId is over the quota AppId is over the quota Welcome to the Drama Triangle – the special fantasy realm of Drama Queens and Drama Kings. For simplicity, I’ll just stick to using Drama Queen to cover both males and female versions. Heroic fairy-tale drama...
Here within the Drama Triangle you’ll find epic stories filled with evil ogres, victims of injustice, and heroic rescuers.
It’s an ego-centric realm. The teller of the story inevitably portrays themselves as a heroic figure. The whole story is designed to convince you of their hero status.
If the incident is fresh, you’ll be told an enticing tale with the clear intention of pulling you into the drama. The teller of the tale will lay claim to being the victim of unjustified persecution.
This isn’t just venting. After sharing their drama, you’ll be expected to join in as an ally-rescuer. An easy trap to fall into, as the rescuer also gets to enjoy playing a heroic role.
That’s the point of sharing their Drama story. It’s not just to entertain, it’s to paint a clear picture of good guy vs. bad guy and to gather allies to rally against an alleged ogre.
Drama Queen Victims enjoy telling dramatic stories, and everyone loves a juicy tale. That’s why it’s so easy to get sucked into believing their version of events.
The key role in the Drama Triangle is the Victim. Without his or her harrowing tale, there is no epic storyline.
Here’s the thing. Drama Queen Victims rarely see themselves as victims. They see themselves as heroic figures forced to endure great injustices. They play the center characters of an epic adventure where they’re the TRUE prince or princess.
The Cinderella Story is an appealing plot…
Overcoming adversity is always at the heart of an appealing movie script like Disney’s Cinderella. Yet innocent as it may seem, there’s dangerous thinking in that movie. It’s easy to indulge in a fantasy role where you start believing that you’re special, that honest work is beneath you, and that friends are expected to rescue you.
Fantasies have a way of turning into nightmares. And those who see themselves in a Cinderella role will often act more like one of her cruel step-sisters – lashing out in retaliation for perceived injustices.
Dramatic storylines are warped to cast players in Scripted Roles as either heroes or villains. A Drama Queen Victim’s version of events are always heavily slanted to portraying themselves clearly on the side of good. That’s exactly how they see their place in the world.
Hero vs. Ogre - Good vs. Evil
Someone may see themselves as a Helpless Victim. Picture a damsel in distress – like Rapunzel trapped in the tower. They see themselves as powerless to struggle against powerful forces.
Another common role is that of a Noble Martyr. Cinderella is the classic example. These people perceive themselves as a noble hero or heroine forced to struggle on against great obstacles and unjust enemies.
People love to play the Helpless Victim and Noble Martyr roles. These role are highly addictive. They allow a person to blame, complain and publicly act out any frustrations in a child-like manner.
A Victim might appear helpless, but they can exert great power in manipulating others with their drama. A Victim’s dramatic show is all about leveraging influence through the power of spoken words. The better the story, the more the influence.
A Victim’s Story generates lots of Drama, gains plenty of attention, wins people over to a one-sided version of the story, and garners power.
A Victim’s hero-villain mindset fuels hostility and resentment. The longer they stay committed to the role, the more hostile and vicious a Drama-Queen can become. They see themselves at war with evil and will use whatever strategies and tactics they can to prevail.
A victim will gather allies with their story. Once they’ve gained enough support or justification, they may switch over to attack mode to smite the perceived ogre.
Rather than risk a full scale frontal attack or lynch mob, they’ll often use more subversive sniper tactics (such as gossip) to punish their enemy.
Constantly playing the Victim is destructive. Nothing gets resolved. Relationships are damaged. Energy and attention are diverted away from constructive efforts.
Watch this video =>
There are different levels of drama. Drama Queens are those that tend to crank the dial to the max.
Serial Victims eventually become experts at blaming, complaining and excuses. Masters of the Blame Game.
Excuses, blaming and victim drama all go hand in hand.
Even if the world keeps punishing them, these people will continue playing out a scripted role of a Noble Victim. Their Victim-Hero Status helps them maintain the illusion of not being responsible for their predicament.
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This is the bad guy in the Drama Triangle. The dragon. The evil ogre. At least that’s how it plays out in the victim’s version of things. Beware the Evil Ogre! Photo from game cover of Warcraft by Blizzard
Drama Queen Victims find ogres everywhere and will always emphasize the unfairness of the ogre’s dirty deeds.
Victims resent their oppressors – be it parents, teachers, or the boss at work. They’re infuriated by anyone in a position of power who exerts some measure of control over them. Anyone telling them to wake up, grow, up, step up or shut up.
Anyone who bursts their bubble by reminding them they’re NOT a special person entitled to special treatment.
Attacking the boss is practically a national sport. Studies have shown American workers spend an average of 14 hours a month engaged in boss-attacking conversation.
The persecutor often doesn’t even know they are being cast as the villain. They may not realize any of this Drama Triangle dynamic exists.
That’s the thing about the Drama Triangle, so much of it goes on behind the scenes and a persecutor may be oblivious to how they’re being sabotaged and back-stabbed.
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Classic Painting: The Hero Slays the Dragon and Rescues the MaidenOf course the Drama Triangle wouldn’t be complete with a willing Rescuer or two. Even better, a whole mob of Rescuers looking to slay that evil ogre as revenge for the perceived indignation placed upon this righteous Victim.
Note: Character assassination will do in place of actually slaying an ogre. Direct confrontation isn’t required as sniper tactics can be used from afar.
If you’re clearly on a Victim’s side, you’re one of the good guys in their books. The more you encourage a Victim, the more they’ll ramp up their ogre-slaying crusade.
Some people love to play the Rescuer. It’s clearly a heroic role and very addictive. Rescuers unknowingly support and perpetuate a Victim’s behavior.
Without a Rescuer to influence, a Victim has no power. That’s why Victims seek out people who are habitual Rescuers.
Parents naturally fall into the pattern of a rescuer for their children. Yet I’ve seen the opposite occur. An Amiable child will play the Rescuer role to an Expressive parent’s Drama Queen act.
Personality Profiles play a big part. Amiables are highly-tolerant and natural rescuers, while Expressives are natural Drama Queens and masters of the Victim role. That’s why they tend to get along so fabulously.
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Drama Queens have had plenty of practice within the Drama Triangle, often having all 3 roles mastered. You’ll see them easily slide from one role to another.
People judge themselves on good intentions while judging others on actions alone.
The Victim role is the clear favorite of the Drama Queen, as it instigates the drama and offers maximum influence.
Influence is what a Drama Queen seeks to exploit for gain with their stories. They’re constantly trying to build themselves up and knock others down. There’s usually deep insecurity beneath it all.
Here’s the thing. Drama Queen Victims don’t just tell these fairy tale versions, they believe in them. In their child-like,self-centered world, they’re ALWAYS the lead character. The crowd favorite.
Is it a maturity issue? Is it ego? Is it personality? Hard to say. Sometimes a little of everything. One moment these people can be insecure attention-seekers begging for more attention like a child. The next they can be vicious manipulators that bully people with their drama.
One thing’s for sure, Drama Queen Victims are so engrossed in the Drama Game, they’re incapable of seeing things objectively. They live the hero’s life and the deeper into the story they get, the more detached from the truth they become.
Why the disconnect? People judge themselves on good intentions while judging others on actions alone. That means a Drama Queen Victim tends to see themselves in a better light. As if wearing a halo.
Fantasy is tempting when reality sucks. Their hero status and victim stories grant a narcissistic Drama Queen emotional relief from the more painful burdens of reality. As long as they can cling to their delusional hero perspective, they’re not forced to face the darker parts of their own nature.
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In reality, who is the real ogre? Over-indulged Drama Queen Victims are so wrapped up in their heroic perspective and warped storyline, they fail to see themselves as the ugly ogres they transform into.
The entertainment industry is full of narcissists.
They think they’re living the Cinderella role, but often act more like the cruel step-sister.
Even Mel Gibson saw himself as a heroic victim who had done so much for his girlfriend. In Mel Gibson’s phone rants he continually blamed her for his rage. So much rage, jealousy and pride. Such a clear example of Emotional Transference (see previous post on Toxic Drama).
Psychotic? No, just another self-indulged Drama Queen. The entertainment industry is full of narcissists. What makes them so compelling on stage also makes them hard to live with.
Apparently Mel the actor can’t see himself playing anything but a leading man. Always the hero in his own mind.
Indulging in the Drama Triangle creates glaring blind spots. Faults and unpleasant truths that are obvious to everyone but themselves.
Failure to give them exactly what they want could put you into the ogre camp.
Drama Queen Victims are blind to the fact their ways are ugly and destructive. Their Righteous Indignation allows them to be toxic and not feel responsible for the damage they cause.
Warning: Hang around a Drama Queen Victim and sooner or later you’ll get burned. You’ll be the one being called an ogre.
Everyone involved with a Drama Queen Victim is left feeling drained (which is why these people are also called Emotional Vampires). They tend to lose friends as fast as they make them. People are drawn to the drama, but it doesn’t take long for others to see their stories are self-promotional or thinly-veiled attacks. Credibility and trust are lost.
Drama Queens are narcissistic and expect your continual admiration and loyalty. Failure to give them exactly what they want could put you into the ogre camp.
Don’t get into a drama contest with a Drama Queen. They’re far too good at it.
My advice? Steer well clear of them.
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Within a team of professional , Drama Queen can be saboteurs. Do you play a Cinderella role?
It starts innocently enough. Stories are escapes from their daily grind used to spice up a day. Stories can also be long-winded excuses to divert attention from lack of performance and results.
Given some slack, a Drama Queen will push for more attention and influence. Their toxic affect on a team’s culture can go unnoticed.
Every episode of drama can be another emotional hand grenade. They spread discontent and their covert hostility will rip a team apart.
It’s all sideshow games and completely unprofessional. These Drama Queen Victims focus upon social maneuvering instead of professional contribution. Stories instead of results.
Condone the drama and people can become whiners rather than winners. Excuses pile up as performance falls apart. Their Toxic Drama can destroy a relationship or a team.
Share the poison pill with a Drama Queen and you could find yourself on the wrong side of the firing line.
Give a Drama Queen a position of power and they’ll wield it for personal gain. They already see themselves as entitled to special attention, now they have the power to ensure their privileged status.
It’s vitally important to purge drama from a team. Allow it to grow and discontent will spread like cancer. Soon performance will derail and morale will plummet.
Here’s a quick lesson in running a business. People by nature are either Lifters or Leaners. They either enjoy working hard or enjoy goofing off.
Here’s a poem that explains it perfectly…
There are just two kinds of people on earth today, Just two kinds of people, no more, I say. Not the rich and the poor, for to count a man’s wealth You must first know the state of his conscience and health. Not the humble and proud, for, in life’s little span, Who puts on airs is not counted a man. Not the happy and sad, for the swift counting years Bring each man his laughter and each man his tears. No, the two kinds of people on earth I mean Are the people who lift and the people who lean. Wherever you go you will find the world’s masses Are always divided in just these two classes. And oddly enough you will find, too, I ween, There’s only one lifter to twenty who lean. In which class are you? Are you easing the load Of overtaxed lifters who toil down the road? Or are you a leaner who lets others bear Your portion of labor and worry and care?
- Ella Wheeler Wilcox -
Drama Queen Victims are emotional leaners. They dump their toxic outbursts on others and everyone around them are forced to walk on eggshells to keep some semblance of peace.
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Consider these 3 classic Victim Styles of the Drama Triangle – Martyrs, Shirkers and Vicious Victims.
Watch this video =>
The Martyrs play poor helpless victims in the Drama Triangle. All their miseries are due to the cruelty of fate or being taken advantage of from other people.
Your life will continue to go nowhere.
The video focuses upon the affect these Toxic Victims have on others, and are described as Emotional Vampires. Different terminology, but same concept of Toxic Drama.
Martyrs use their victim status to invoke pity and to justify doing nothing to improve their situation. As long as Martyrs can find someone or something to pin the blame on, and find others willing to buy into their victimized version of things, they can keep on spinning their story for sympathy and attention. They can keep on living in Pity City.
Now if you choose to play the Martyr role, you could be forever stuck as that damsel trapped in that tower. Your life will continue to go nowhere. That fabled white knight you’re hoping for isn’t likely to come along and rescue you.
The Shirkers don’t see themselves as victims. They don’t believe they’re responsible for anything.
Shirkers live in a fantasy realm to avoid facing the reality that their life sucks.
Shirkers assume a passive, sheep-like approach with a strong sense of entitlement. They fail to lead themselves, let alone stepping up to lead others. They focus instead on complaining, blaming and excuses.
Shirkers need a huge push, but as soon as you do, you become that mean ogre.
These people act helpless and dependent, waiting for some great leader, teacher, or shining white knight to come along and guide them forward. This approach relieves themselves of the burden of accountability.
Some Shirkers live in a fantasy realm to avoid facing the reality that their life sucks. They serve no great purpose and haven’t put in the effort to master anything worthwhile.
Behind a Shirker’s drama, there’s always a dodge or cover-up. They’re trying to squirm out of responsibility for something or avoid an uncomfortable truth. The more drama they make, the bigger the cover-up.
As adults, they fail to develop a strong character and good work habits.
At work, Shirkers will take hold given the opportunity. Some people are masters at wasting time and will use drama to spice up their day.
You see, many people are social-oriented rather than task-oriented. That can be problematic in a work place. Left to their own accord, they’ll continually engage others in idle chitchat. Now you have multiple people wasting time. They’ll continue sharing stories and killing time because they prefer social interaction to the work itself.
Children of successful parents have a tendency to be Shirkers with an attitude of entitlement. They enjoy the rewards of success without ever having struggled to climb the proverbial mountain to achieve success of their own.
As adults, they fail to develop a strong character and good work habits. That’s why rags to riches to rags within 3 generations is such a common generational pattern.
In the case of lottery winners, the rags to riches to rags may take only a few years.
The Vicious Victim is hostile in nature and justifies their wrath and vicious acts by taking a victim stance. That’s the scorpion blaming the frog.
In their grandiose versions of stories they always play the hero striking back at evil.
For Vicious Victims, their emotion of choice is anger. These people are filled with Righteous Indignation and insist their toxic emotions and vicious acts are justified and transfer all responsibility onto the targets of their wrath.
Anyone capable of such viciousness clearly has an abundance of pride and a shortage of empathy.
A Vicious Victim has strong Narcissistic tendencies. In their grandiose versions of stories they always play the hero striking back at evil.
These people are volatile and combative, with the combination of a vulnerable nature and a bite that’s just as bad as their bark. They have everyone walking on eggshells around them in attempts to minimize the Toxic Drama.
Know anyone like that?
These 3 distinct Victim Styles are probably only a fraction of the possible variations.
All these Victim Styles tell lopsided versions of stories, and it’s those stories that get in the way of any resolution. Drama Queen Victims continue heaping blame and responsibility upon the Persecutor – that evil ogre. They continue seeking the attention of anyone willing to play the Rescuer role. They continue along in an unproductive pattern of behavior – addicted to drama.
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Avoid the Drama Triangle. Especially avoid indulging in Victim behavior such as venting, blaming, complaining and making excuses.
Building a winning team involves getting everyone past the Drama Habit.
Recognize drama when you see it. Don’t buy into it when you do.
Help others grow out of the Drama Habit and Victim behavior before they pull your team down.
Don’t enable a Victim by rescuing them. Instead help them move to professional behavior whereby they learn to overcome challenges and confront others in a caring respectful way.
Protect yourself and your team from the toxic fallout of the Drama Triangle.
Why do I drag all this drama stuff up?
Drama is very relevant to the dental world… Building a winning team involves getting everyone past the Drama Habit. It means keeping everyone grounded in reality and focused on the task at hand. Otherwise the team can be infected by drama and easily sidetracked.
Recognizing and diffusing drama are vital skills for any dental team leader. It’s a life-changer. The day you help someone move out of the Drama Habit is the day they grow up and start becoming a professional.
Building a terrific customer experience involves helping patients get past their old stories. People can remain stuck in a worst moment.
There you have it, the Drama Triangle and the Victim Styles.
In previous posts on Drama Queens, you’ve learned about Personal Drama, the Expressive Personality Profile and Toxic Drama. Now you’ve learned all about the Drama Triangle.
Next post I’ll finally get to the subject of Dental Drama.
Stay healthy and keep smiling!
Dr. Joe
About the Author: Dr. Joe Bulger is a West Toronto dentist. He’s also the owner-founder of Royal York Dental – a respected dental clinic serving Etobicoke since 1950.
If you would like to learn more about your dental options, fill out our contact form or CALL 416 231-0550 for a FREE & Easy No-Obligation First Visit.
Drama Queens love to share all of their personal drama
Don't allow negative emotions to dominate
Beware of Scorpions! Drawing by Carolyn Bulger
Toxic drama is potentially harmful.
The Expressive Profile emphasize theatrics and drama.
The colorful peacock represents the Expressive Profile
Heroic fairy-tale drama...
Hero vs. Ogre - Good vs. Evil
Beware the Evil Ogre! Photo from game cover of Warcraft by Blizzard
Classic Painting: The Hero Slays the Dragon and Rescues the MaidenOf course the Drama Triangle wouldn’t be complete with a willing Rescuer or two. Even better, a whole mob of Rescuers looking to slay that evil ogre as revenge for the perceived indignation placed upon this righteous Victim.
Do you play a Cinderella role?